Thoughts: Motivation


And here it is, folks! Another New Year, another plague of people making lists of resolutions, only for them to never do it or forget about them.

I try not to make resolutions. I just carry everything over from the last year that I didn’t get to accomplish, because I know that some things do take a long time to complete.

But, my problem with getting anything of purpose done is motivation.

Seriously. After a while, I just stop caring.

After a while of making lists, writing down things to remind me of what I need to do and accomplish, eventually I just don’t care. I have no motivation whatsoever to do things, whether they are little or small.

Where did this attitude come about? I think it started around my first two years of college. I had goals, I had dreams! I was focused, organized and dedicated to my major and following this path that I had created and tried to pursue.

Then, something that resembled a speed train hitting a car appeared out of nowhere and crushed any hopes I had. It’s called reality.

Some of these goals were just unrealistic. A lot of these things were put on hold to never gain fruition. Most of it was financial, while the rest was environmental, mental and due to lack of confidence. I failed 3 classes, which is something that has never happened to me before, and they were pre-requisite classes (classes needed to be accepted into the program). I figured that if I couldn’t even pass these classes, there was no way I was going to succeed in my major courses (if I even got accepted). Having been hit with a huge bout of disappointment, (in myself mostly), my once powerful and headstrong nature disappeared. You see, I was a very shy, low confidence kid growing up. I was the nerdy, teacher’s pet from pre-school through the 9th grade. It wasn’t until 10th grade where I finally just grew a pair and stopped giving a shit about people. I’ve kept that part of my demeanor and I plan to never let it go. I became motivated and determined with everything in life. But, after college, I just stopped caring. I graduated with a degree I loved (despite the department and some of the professors being useless and horribly demeaning, along with being the only black student in the whole major. That can be a bit discouraging) and decided to get a job right out of college (You know, back when most of us had a choice before the recession).

But now, I’m not happy with the way things are going for me. I’m working (a full-time job and a small part-time one tutoring English), living in a nice city that’s active, have a great boyfriend and my family is well and healthy. But, I’m not fully content.

I need MORE. No, not superficial things like more money (which would still be a nice perk) and things. More fulfilling items.

holstee-manifesto

If I could find this in poster size, I would have it up in my second bedroom/office.

One word out of that whole block of word mess sticks out to me the most: Passion.

I seriously don’t have it. I did a few years ago, but it disappeared and I haven’t been able to find it. I’ve been trying to get it back, but it’s hard to do once you lose it. You get into a rut, a pit really, and you have to claw your way out.

I had dreams and hopes of what I wanted to do. But now, I’m back to the point in high school where I was asked, “What do you want to do for the rest of your life?”

I thought I knew, but…. I don’t think I do anymore. Is that anyone else’s fault? Goodness, no. It’s mine and I need to focus on it.

I need to fix it.

So, for the past year or so, I’ve been trying to get back on track. Get motivated, so to speak.

Last year, around my 25th birthday (will be 26 this Monday! SEND PRESENTS), I made an account on a website called Day Zero Project.  While some of those goals will obviously take quite some time, there are many others that are short and easy to accomplish. I just need to find the time to do it. What I should add to that list is, “Get organized.” There are so many things I want to do or try that I lose track of them. Writing them down never helps, because I lost track of the paper or book I placed them in. What I really need to do is use a site like this to track my progress. If I had html or developer skills, I’d just make my own website (HEY, I could ask the boyfriend about it, since he’s a developer).

So, small things like that are what keep me a bit more motivated. Making lofty goals and dreaming of doing things just kills any motivation I have in the long run. I need to start small, then work my way up to the bigger dreams.

And, of course, be positive.

Thoughts: Donating


Clothes Pile!

Clothes Pile!

photo (2)

Clothes Pile #2!

No, that is not my bedroom covered in a mess of clothes. That’s my second bedroom/office.

After spending some money and buying new clothes for the winter seasons (which I hope to not have to do again for the next 2 years because I’m cheap), I also decided that it would be best to clean out my closets/boxes/drawers and donate my old clothes.

I had been meaning to do it for a long time, but procrastination appears to be my best friend. Some of the clothes were old, worn, and torn. Some, I trashed because of the condition. But these remaining stacks were suitable enough to give away.

I couldn’t even fit half of them anymore. I didn’t realize it, but some of the clothes were from high school, and I know for a fact that I cannot fit into a Size 4 anything no matter how much I tried (as much as I would LOVE to be 118lbs again, I don’t think it’s going to happen).

After writing down just how many of each item I had, I piled them all into trash bags and boxes. I had a total of 4 bags full of clothing and 2 boxes of accessories (belts, shoes, etc). I plan to drop them off at a Salvation Army or Goodwill over the weekend. I would’ve done it yesterday, but my arms are so sore from getting vaccines in both of them at the doctors.

Besides, it’s a good time of year to do it! You never know if a young 20-something or teenager could be looking for some well taken care of tops from the Gap and Forever 21, or jeans from H&M. Sure, they may be a few months and even a good 3-4 years behind in fashion, but it will be cheaper or maybe even free for them.

It’s also an awesome way to clear up space for more clothes… which is something I don’t need.

Thoughts: Christmas Lists


One thing I remember doing around the holidays as a kid was making a Christmas List and giving it to my family. And, of course, Santa (when I still believed in him).

Yet after a certain age, when you learn the real way you get gifts is through the love (and pockets) of others, you stop making lists and just tell people upfront.

Well, why can’t we still make a list anyway? Sure, you may not get everything on it (or nothing at all), but it’s still fun!

After some careful thinking (and just downright wishing), here is my own Christmas List:

A nice, simple Christmas List (Sarcasm)

Expensive ($65 and up):

-       DSLR Camera (Nikon, Canon, Olympus)

-       New Car (Between the years of 2007-2010 and must be a Honda Civic, Subaru, Mazda, BMW or Hyundai Genesis)

-       iMac

      $50,000 (I can dream, right?)

-       Pullip & Taeyang Dolls

Middle ($35 – $60):

-       Shoes (Size 11)

Boots
Heels
Flats

-       Wallet (A black one, somewhat leather)

-       Purse (Also black, but I’m picky about these)

Cheap ($0 – $30):

-       Lips Gloss

Forever 21
Sephora

-       Concealer

Sephora
M.A.C.

-       Eyeshadow Primer

Sehpora
M.A.C.

-       Knee-High Socks (Black)

H&M
Forever 21
ASOS

-       Figures

Cats
Anime/Manga (Sailor Moon, Cowboy Bebop, K-On!, Final Fantasy, Nana)

-       Scarfs

      Computer Speakers

-       Star Trek Vintage Glasses (All 4)

-       The Dark Knight Rises DVD/Bluray

-       Jewelry (White gold or Silver Only)

Roses (Black or Silver)
Butterflies
Watch Lockets

-       Video Games

Batman: Arkham City
Portal 2 (Played it, but want to own it)
The World Ends With You (Old, yes, but I want to play it)

-       Gift Cards!

Forever 21
H&M
ASOS
Target
Pitaya
Sephora
DSW
Game Stop
Visa Gift Card with Specific Amount of Money

I would think I could get some of these items. I’ve been good… for about %45 of the year, so here’s to a hoping for a slew of gifts!

So, what’s on your list? Feel free to comment with yours!

Thoughts: Make-Up


I absolutely hate make-up. Always have since I first had it on my face. For some reason, it just makes me feel like I have a sheet cake plastered all over. Some make-up also irritates the skin, as I have a skin condition called Eczema. This causes my skin to become rather dry and easily irritable. So, any products I use have to be created for that issue.

Um.... NO.

Um…. NO.

But, I have sadly sucked up my hatred and pride and decided to wear make-up. Why, you ask?

Because of personal observation.

I think I need to get over it and start wearing it more often. I always feel like a young kid when I’m at work or out in pubic. To me, it appears as if everyone else dresses in great outfits, wears make-up and heels and looks gorgeous. I just… feel so damn frumpy and plain. While I will certainly wear jeans and a t-shirt any day of the week, I just think that as I progressively get older and develop into a more professional and confident being that I should be open to new styles. I am 25 (will be 26 in January), and I should start acting and dressing like it (the acting bit may not come until I’m near 30 LOL).

The left is my normal comfort zone (Hoodies are my security blankets).  The right is what I SHOULD be wearing as an adult.

The left is my normal comfort zone (Hoodies are my security blankets). The right is what I SHOULD be wearing as an adult.

 

So, over the weekend, I decided to take a journey to a local shopping district in Columbus called The Easton. That place is a small city within a city. Not only does it have average to upscale shopping stores, it has a slew of restaurants, bistros, cafe, department stores, car dealerships as well as apartments, condos and major company headquarters. I could never live there. Too crowded, noisy and bright.

My main purpose of visiting was to stop by three stores: H&M, Forever 21 and Sephora. Out of the 3, I spent most of my time in Forever 21 and Sephora.

I can get lost in F21. I can roam around there for a good 2 hours because of their board selection. While they do have the teenage-trendy look and club-bodycon styles, they also have a business, modern and contemporary section as well. That’s where I spent most of my time, along with the sale/clearance section. I’m cheap, damnit. I will never spend over $20 for a dress (unless it’s for a rather formal occasion) or $15 for a pair of jeans. So, if I see a dress that I’ve had my eye on for a long time, and it’s somewhere between $30-$60, you better believe I will come back in a few weeks to see if it’s dropped in price. I did find some token items there, but I’ll have to save that for future post.

The Kohls and Old Navy dress on the right are too damn expensive...

The Kohls dress is too damn expensive…

As for the make-up, I had never stepped foot in a Sephora in my life. I had heard many reviews and raves about the store, but why would I need to visit? I wasn’t fond of make-up. But, considering that I had no where else to go, I took my first adventure inside.

Not only is it huge, but the selection is just as large. I had no idea where to start. There were so many brands, as well as colors.

The staff was fantastic and knowledgable. Most make-up booths or stores just want you to buy a product and when they do consulting, it feels as if they are literally putting all of the make-up on your face. The girl who assisted me was attentive, intelligent about product and knew how to put on make-up like a pro. I barely felt it on my face. With such an awesome first impression, I did end up buying something. She didn’t encourage it, as she knew I was on a budget, and offered me samples of anything I wanted. But, I went out on a leap and bought a few things:

First Aid Beauty Ultra Repair Cream ($18)
First Aid Beauty Ultra Repair Moisturizer ($28)
Sephora Collection Glossy Gloss ($12)
Spehora Collection Matifying Compact Foundation ($20)
NARS Pure Radiant Tinted Moisturizer Broad Spectrum SPF 30 (Sample to try for a while, so free!)

Total: $78.

That was the most I had EVER spent on make-up in my life. I already had some brushes and eye shadow from many years ago (when I first gave make-up a try in high school), so they have been locked away and sealed in a careful fashion. However, the two items that I really wanted to have were the Cream and Moisturizer, because of how great they felt against my skin. My skin dries out so easily after a few hours, so I was really interested in getting something that could keep it moist. After trying them for 3 days, I’m very impressed with the treatment!

As for how well I look in make-up after putting it on myself, that’s also for a future post, as I plan to have images for before and after steps.

Thoughts: Voting


I don’t really care who the hell you are voting for, what issues you are voting towards or against, but just do it. I get tired of people complaining about how everything sucks but they didn’t have the nerve to vote during the last election process.

I’ve seen that George Carlin skit where he’s saying he doesn’t vote and all that crap (Here’s the video in case no one has any idea what I am talking about):

It’s bullshit, really. If you didn’t vote, then don’t freakin’ complain.

Now, do not get me wrong. I do certainly agree that the electoral system here in the United States is rather outdated, screwed up and needs to be revamped, but I do not agree with voting not making a difference.

If you don’t like the way the system is being run, VOTE damnit!

There are more than 2 political parties in this country. We have a total of 4: Democratic, Republican, Libertarian and Green. If you hate the main two, then research the others and see if they fit your political viewpoints. Don’t be a sheep and listen to all the commercials, news networks and robocalls. Find the facts for each party and vote for the one you feel will represent you the most.

I agree that a change needs to be made for all of the political parties to be seen and heard. The Green and Libertarian parties were treated horribly this election season (Green party candiate was arrested for refusing to leave the premises of the second debate and both the Green and Libertarian parties were not invited to the debates to begin with). But, if people do not get off their asses and make a statement about the other parties not being included, then nothing will be done about it.

Either vote early today or vote tomorrow. No excuses.

Considering that I’m in what Jon Stewart of the Daily Show has called “Swing State Hell,” I certainly plan to vote either today or tomorrow. But, being in a swing state can sometimes suck ass.

Political Trash

If I get one more phone call, doorbell ring, email or a piece of political mail, I’m going to scream.

Writing: New Notebook


It appears I have started a new Category for this blog: Writing.

I usually like to keep my writing and other thoughts separate, since I consider them to be worthy of their own pages. I certainly do not like to broadcast this face, but I love to write in my spare time. Its something that I’ve been doing since a young age. I think I still have drafts of a novel I was trying to work on at the age of 9. I’m not kidding. If I can find the notebook in my spare closet, I will post pictures of it.

But, considering that this is NaNoWriMo, I figured I better go ahead and start taking it more seriously.

This is my very first NaNoWriMo, so I’m hoping I do not fail by the end of the month. I am currently working on a few pieces, but there is one piece of work that I am submitting for it. I’d rather not share it here, considering that it has its own blog. If you are very curious, then just send me a message. It’s something that I would like to keep reclusive.

To help aid and prepare me for the goal of reaching 50,000 words in just a month, I ventured into a local Barnes & Noble to not only pick up the latest volume of the republishing of the Sailor Moon Manga (VOLUME 8 IS OUT NOW. GET IT), I also bought a small Piccadilly Notebook for under $6 from the bargain section.

 

Little Black Book

There were a TON of notebooks, binders, journals and even sketchbooks on sale in that section. I was tempted to buy at least 3, but I have no idea what in the world I would do with that many unused notebooks. So, if you need something to put outlines and notes in, hit up BN.

It comes with a white elastic band bound to the notebook itself to aid in keeping it closed and organized. I imagine after a few weeks, it probably gets worn out pretty easily. It’s been a great help so far. Not only is it helping me keep track of things that I need to change in my story drafts, I also write reminders for me to update this blog. If I get an idea or something comes to mind for a blog post, I write it down before I forget it entirely.

Hopefully I stick with this. It would be nice to actually finish a novel, possibly have it edited and reviewed and maybe (if I’m brave enough) have it published. But, that’s rather unlikely, I think.

Is anyone else participating in NaNoWriMo? Let me know! I’d love to provide feedback and advice! I would be pleased to receive the same.

Thoughts: Halloween/Childhood Memories


Free Candy Day!

 

As promised, I am actually updating. While it certainly had been exactly a month ago from my last update, at least I’m doing it. I don’t break promises; I’m just slow towards being proactive with them. Or I forget. But that’s enough ranting for now.

For those who celebrate it, Halloween has arrived this year. However, this may not be the case for some in other parts of the country (To my East Coast readers, I hope you are all safe from the chaos earlier this week. Sandy was not friendly at all), but here it’s receiving a warm welcome.

In regards to it being warm, that’s a lie. It’s freezing! But, anything below 60 is not normal to me, so I may be biased. Having been hit with a sudden 2 inches of snow yesterday, it was assumed that none of the children in the area would be able to go out for Trick or Treating. Which, honestly, I think is a load of crap.

I remember going out in October, dressed in whatever costume I had either picked out myself or had been forced to wear, with my Halloween themed bag marching down the sidewalks of my neighborhood. I often went with my mother or another family member to get the delectable sweets that would put me into a sugar coma later that evening.

If I was even allowed to have them that same night! Sometimes, I would be tortured and made to wait until the following day, which also meant that on some occasions I would have to wait until after I got home from school to even touch them. But, that’s another train of complaining I’ll save for another day.

Yet, from what I could remember, weather was never really an issue. I remember it being warm as a kid, around 50 and 60 degrees. I may have worn a jacket, but there were Halloween dates where I swear I was walking around in just the costume, complaining about how warm I was. So, the progressing change in weather for this event is depressing. Kids should be able to run rampant around the city, begging anyone who’s walking for candy and not have to worry about catching a cold or being out too long.

I recall parties, from a young age to an adult, friends appearing in costume and there being contests for the best in the bunch. While I certainly never won them, it would always amaze me with just how detailed some people could be with their creations. I’m pretty mediocre with a sewing machine, so I don’t bother half the time with creating my own costumes. I gather the necessary pieces and plan from there.

I can remember certain smells, pumpkin and spices, apple and cinnamon, caramel and just more caramel, really (that stuff is addictive). These all symbolized the arrival of a fun and dark themed event that was universal. I eventually learned about how other countries celebrated the day, finding it fascinating from where it actually stems from. But like most, I grew out of going from door to door, trying to appear cute for free treats. Along with it, my innocence towards the day faded. It was mostly another way for me to hangout with friends, dressed up and drink for a good night.

That mummy looks like he can barely move…

So, when I see a small witch, or a miniature Frankenstein, possibly a Batman (which I want to kidnap and take pictures of because Batman is the best Hero EVER), a smile can’t help but come to my face at the sight. Not because they look awesome or adorable, but because it makes me remember my own childhood in return. It almost makes me long for the days where I could think about nothing but getting a free handout one day a year. I could be anything I wanted for a day and not be judged because of it. Instead, be welcomed into the crowd.

So for those enjoying the day, have a Happy Halloween! Be safe and try not to eat too much sugar/get drunk.