And here it is, folks! Another New Year, another plague of people making lists of resolutions, only for them to never do it or forget about them.
I try not to make resolutions. I just carry everything over from the last year that I didn’t get to accomplish, because I know that some things do take a long time to complete.
But, my problem with getting anything of purpose done is motivation.
After a while of making lists, writing down things to remind me of what I need to do and accomplish, eventually I just don’t care. I have no motivation whatsoever to do things, whether they are little or small.
Where did this attitude come about? I think it started around my first two years of college. I had goals, I had dreams! I was focused, organized and dedicated to my major and following this path that I had created and tried to pursue.
Then, something that resembled a speed train hitting a car appeared out of nowhere and crushed any hopes I had. It’s called reality.
Some of these goals were just unrealistic. A lot of these things were put on hold to never gain fruition. Most of it was financial, while the rest was environmental, mental and due to lack of confidence. I failed 3 classes, which is something that has never happened to me before, and they were pre-requisite classes (classes needed to be accepted into the program). I figured that if I couldn’t even pass these classes, there was no way I was going to succeed in my major courses (if I even got accepted). Having been hit with a huge bout of disappointment, (in myself mostly), my once powerful and headstrong nature disappeared. You see, I was a very shy, low confidence kid growing up. I was the nerdy, teacher’s pet from pre-school through the 9th grade. It wasn’t until 10th grade where I finally just grew a pair and stopped giving a shit about people. I’ve kept that part of my demeanor and I plan to never let it go. I became motivated and determined with everything in life. But, after college, I just stopped caring. I graduated with a degree I loved (despite the department and some of the professors being useless and horribly demeaning, along with being the only black student in the whole major. That can be a bit discouraging) and decided to get a job right out of college (You know, back when most of us had a choice before the recession).
But now, I’m not happy with the way things are going for me. I’m working (a full-time job and a small part-time one tutoring English), living in a nice city that’s active, have a great boyfriend and my family is well and healthy. But, I’m not fully content.
I need MORE. No, not superficial things like more money (which would still be a nice perk) and things. More fulfilling items.
One word out of that whole block of word mess sticks out to me the most: Passion.
I seriously don’t have it. I did a few years ago, but it disappeared and I haven’t been able to find it. I’ve been trying to get it back, but it’s hard to do once you lose it. You get into a rut, a pit really, and you have to claw your way out.
I had dreams and hopes of what I wanted to do. But now, I’m back to the point in high school where I was asked, “What do you want to do for the rest of your life?”
I thought I knew, but…. I don’t think I do anymore. Is that anyone else’s fault? Goodness, no. It’s mine and I need to focus on it.
I need to fix it.
So, for the past year or so, I’ve been trying to get back on track. Get motivated, so to speak.
Last year, around my 25th birthday (will be 26 this Monday! SEND PRESENTS), I made an account on a website called Day Zero Project. While some of those goals will obviously take quite some time, there are many others that are short and easy to accomplish. I just need to find the time to do it. What I should add to that list is, “Get organized.” There are so many things I want to do or try that I lose track of them. Writing them down never helps, because I lost track of the paper or book I placed them in. What I really need to do is use a site like this to track my progress. If I had html or developer skills, I’d just make my own website (HEY, I could ask the boyfriend about it, since he’s a developer).
So, small things like that are what keep me a bit more motivated. Making lofty goals and dreaming of doing things just kills any motivation I have in the long run. I need to start small, then work my way up to the bigger dreams.
And, of course, be positive.